THE HORSE CLINICIAN
by Baxter Black, DVM

"ARE YOU TEACHIN' HIM A LESSON?" she asked, eager to please,
As I tried to keep from barfing, my head between my knees.
"YOU HUNG ON LIKE A WIND SOCK! IT JUST TICKLED US TO DEATH!"

Is she serious? I'm drooling, I can't hardly catch my breath.
"WHEN YOU LEANED YOURSELF UP FORWARD AND KISSED HIM 'TWEEN THE EARS THE WHOLE CLASS JUST WENT CRAZY! I GUESS YOU HEARD THE CHEERS!"
That must be how I broke my nose and split my upper lip

But I guess it looked like kissin'. "I JUST LOVE YOUR HORSEMANSHIP
THE WAY YOU TAME THE SAVAGE BEAST, THE TECHNIQUES THAT YER USIN'."

When my tailbone hit the cantle I felt my sphincter loosen.
"YOU RECKON YOU COULD SHOW US HOW YOU DID IT ONCE AGAIN?
BE NICE TO GET SOME PHOTOS," What? To show my next of kin.
I guess there goes my living will, I'm a victim of the forces.

The way this looks I might as well go back to shoein' horses.
"IT WAS REALLY SO IMPRESSIVE THE WAY YOU MADE HIM LOAD
AT FULL GALLOP SETTIN' BACKWARDS FROM A WAY ON DOWN THE ROAD!"
So, that's how I hit the trailer. Think I lost a pound of flesh.

Thank goodness it was rusty and my tetanus shot was fresh.
"COULD YOU SHOW US THAT MANEUVER WHERE YOU CIRCLED LIKE A FAN
WITH NOTHIN' BUT YOUR BUCKLE TOUCHIN' HOLDIN' OUT BOTH HANDS!
Now where'd I put my Dramamine, it was here the other day

I'm feelin' kinda woozy...did Ray Hunt start out this way?
I thought it would be easy to be a horse clinician
Now it's gonna take a miracle to explain this exhibition
How I really was in full control, above the rising panic,

Though I looked like the propeller on the back of the Titanic!
"It's what I call the daisy," I modestly explained
It takes a master trainer to achieve what I've attained.
"You should concentrate on basics, skip the fancy stuff," I warned
Besides, I thought, any gunsel can accidentally hook his buckle on the horn!