The Marlboro Man Interviewby Baxter Black, DVM
I had a friend who was invited to an audition for the Marlboro Man. You talk about excited! Me, I mean. To have a compadré that had a shot at bein' the most recognized cowboy figure in the world.
I began counting the advantages. I could point to billboards and say, "I know him." If I was in the dentist waiting room next to a girl with teeth, I could open the cover on most any magazine and point him out chasing horses through a river, "That reminds me," I'd say out loud, "I better give him a call." She'd notice and swoon, "Oh, sure," I'd say, "We're pards. I could get you an autograph. Oh, let me show you a photo of us hangin' outside the Montana bar tryin' to pick up girls."
When my friend returned from the audition and photo shoot in Wichita Falls, he was optimistic, "Heck," he said, "I was the only one there who smoked! The other two was from Hollywood, wuddn't even wearin' Wrangler!"
I found the Marlboro ads producer and wrote him a reference letter. It pointed out how beneficial it would be for us, his friends, to be able to brag. We'd tell everyone we met! We'd get the girls, good seats at the rodeos, and probably never have to buy another drink!
I even suggested that due to the fact that the USA is tryin' to make smoking illegal, we needed to be lookin' for new places to sell tobaccy, like Guam and Saudi Arabia. I even took a picture of him wearin' a white robe and scarf sitting on a camel, both of them with cigarettes in their lips, and sent it with the letter.
We never heard back. Over the line, I guess, and it backfired.
Last week an animal health salesman told me of an important client of his who had become temperamental, was using abusive language and trying to get the salesman to engage in some shady transactions. The company was located in France and run by a vertically challenged, egotistical, conceited Napoleon-Tom Thumb wannabe. "It's such an important account," fretted the salesman.
"I'll write him a note," I offered, "smooth things over, calm the rusty seas. Take your relationship to a more professional level."
"Gosh, I don't know if we should," the salesman worried, "are you sure it will work?"
"Of course," I said, getting out my pencil and paper, eager to help this hard working salesman, "How do you say half-pint in French?"
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